Just a thought

Well,
I find myself curiouly drwan back to my blog, or my shirt rants as you may call it and im curious as of why? why why why, right im sure everyone asks themselfs these questions at some point In life about something..
SO lately in my life, ive met a man or well i should say i left one because i fell for another. How well does this really work for anyone right? Well for me it was great, fun an exciting andi thought maybe just maybe i had found someone to get close to, to have fun and be goofy, but still be strong and sane and be able to comfort them but nope I give over a year of my life to making him happy and being there when he needed someone, did everything right this time andin the end he used me and said whatever i wanted to hear to get me t do things his way. Well you have to learn sometime right? He hurt me and destroyed a child in the process and still has no remorse for what he did. I suppose hes done it before and i just got the short end to have him next.. So now that i know what i want in life and where im going im hoping to find that someone whos there with me and ready to take all the steps to be happy and have a life worth living and enjoying, do something with my life you know?... my thought on this is, why why why?

But really why do men do this to women? is it really so hard to say what you mean and mean it? maybe youll find that someone who understands it and follows what they say.. wouldnt it be sooo much easier than saying a lie? why lie when you know its only going to cause problems in the furture? , why can men just say what they mean or tell us what path they want, aybe they can find someone going the dame path, no need to ruin others in your path..why destroy others that way...why??

.......

Sometimes in Life theres nothing that you can do to fix anything...Life moves in ways that is chooses.. you may make the first choice but in the end, life makes the finally choice. How so we as a people move forward when all you can think of is the momment.. Nothing is never enough for anyone...

Humans, life, everything we do leads to one goal.. We need money and sex. thats all we get outta life.. we use each other and then we die off. We leave our kids alone to stuggle with the pains we went to threw and eventually they'll die too. why id that? why do we have to go that way..

im just plain old sick and tired of all this crap..

my lifes a mess, i have nothing to look forward to when i wake up so theres no real point in ever going to bed..im constantly tired but never able to make it the last step for sleep.. i depend on a man to make my body happy but at the same time he makes my soul ache.. i let him use me for sex and this fake little snuggle he gives me and then he has me leave.. nothings ever real for him.. ..im used for nothing and gain nothing in return.. im not good enough for someone..for him or anyone..

Im not Sure..

Well My lifes moving not as fast as id like but im still here and im working on my problems and im trying to not let things bother me that are way out of my control. Lifes a long confussing math problem that ill never be able to solve, and im learning to live with that. Im keeping a journal and im try to keep track of my mind but i well.. im not really sure where ive placed it and intel i can find it im going to keep searching. Ive never been able to talk to anyone and well anyone able to talk are unable to completely grasp any and all of my problems because my life is so screwed up and confussing i dont know how to fix it.

Im about to loose my one hold on sanity that keeps me out of bed, my job. All over a stupid missunderstanding and medical issues i was going threw that trashed my body, my soul and my mind .. i feel like ive lost all of them and im missing this HUGE hole that got torn out of me. The sad truth about that is well, i did it, i did it all to myself and theres never any going back.. no matter how you lable something.. you cant change it and heck i still cant figure out if i would or not.. but hey thats life.. right? or am i missing something? i wish this blog would magicallly give my some kind of anser that i cant seem to find.. im so tired of life and fighting it everyday .. i need help..

my outlook

Well how do you start a blog really? You just post at random on here and wonder if anyone will stumble across and happen to give there input on your crappy or sometime sad and horrible feelings, maybe if just a story about two dogs you seen playing in the park that day. Well the truth is no one really wants to hear you wine about how sad or how perfect you life is. I sure as hell dont, i dont even want to hear myself, but well when you have to one to turn to to trust and your life is a drain pipe, this is the best outlook i could find and so well heres my out look for today.

I get to come to work today and i listen to my boss'es and i do my job and i listen to my surroundings and i do my best not to get in anyones way or to talk back but you watch and you listen to everone tell you one thing , even a person you thought your best friend you stand by and watch here set your man who you happen to be having a little issues with, you watch her plan and set up him with her sister, and you stand there like a cold stone and you grint your teeth and bite you tongue intel it bleeds but you move on and you pretend that you never heard a world and you smile god do you smile, your the happest f-ing person in the room because you realize after 15 years of being her friend, she'll never change and well you knew this when you open up to her again but just just didnt want to be alone anym0re. SO life goes on right it did the last two times she did the exact smae thing, the only hard part in sight is watching him enjoy the attention, then you realize, maybe he was never yours to start with and that well deep down maybe you feel that right, your not the best thing for him anyway, heck your arnt the best thing for anyone and never will be so why bother over and over agian? when it all ends the same way, its not worth the pain and hurt that follows. its just the part about having to facing them both at , well make that all three of them everyday at work, that will make the actceptence of the situation harder to bite on. So this is my outlook on like for today or now or however you wanna see it, like works so strange sometimes, its the part about facing it every day like it doesnt twist your insides into a knots.. but its life right and you always go forwards or back but at least you go right? i hate standing still.